i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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