i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
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