He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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