I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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