Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
