your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my poor anus
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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