Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
