Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
