Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
