The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
