he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
