A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
