he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
