I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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