dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
