o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
