I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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