DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
