i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
