eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
