So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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