need another drink. this is the easiest way
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
