don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
