She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The ass gains better be worth it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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