turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
