Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Cover your peen. We're going out.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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