I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
