does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
