My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
