Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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