mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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