i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
