oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
