Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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