I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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