Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.