I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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