my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???