So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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