who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
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We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
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Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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