McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
