I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
