Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
