can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
