I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
