Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
