Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
wanna go halves on a baby?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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