We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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