that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
