My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
