Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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