There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
