I only kidnapped one of them. chill
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
