It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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