Your tits are I can't wait for
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
