she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
