what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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