at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
