I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
