I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
