I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
