the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Alive.
So much puke
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
