1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
